Officially unemployed.

637 000 people in the US filed for unemployment last week. I am one of them. I officially registered myself into the system of social support. Its nice that they call it unemployment insurance. That was about the only thing that could make me feel better and clear some of my guilt about having to "sit on the states pocket" or "live of all other working people" as some like to describe the unemployed. It was a fight with my integral mind which argued back and forth between - there are people who need unemployment support more than I do - and - I deserve a little money after paying into this system for so long. Fact is that I have been a working, tax paying member of the society since I was 15 years old. It started with packing jam at a factory in summer to earn my first vacation and then I already contributed to the States system of giving up a part of your earnings for something else, even though we never truly really know for what. I had my early thoughts about fairness in that, especially when you sit in a factory all day long, earning every Deutsch Mark with blisters on your hands due to hot boiling jam containers. But over time one resigns to or lets say sees little chance in fighting the system in that matter and just accepts it. Ha - I would love to walk into one office (which such office does not exist) and say: I am tired of paying taxes. I refuse to give up my money to someone I don't even know. From now on I only want to share with the people I know and love and choose myself where my share should go - I am a capable human being and as such guarantee that it will be spread well and equally!!! I demand a choice over my hard earned money in full!!! Seriously so, I guess it was all sort of acceptable when the percentage of your deduction were around 20%. Ja I can see how I would say I keep 80 or 75 percent and be charitable with the rest, but looking at it now we are at 42% - almost half! Where is she going with this you say? Well, I made my case, I successfully justified that I deserve a little back from the big melting pot of deductions and contributions I have made in all these years. You can tell there is some lingering conscience and its deeply rooted in my Germanness that only a working person is a good, wholesome, worth while citizen and deserves to live. Its not like we were taught socialistic slogans at the time I grew up, but it's true that my up bringing somehow has influenced me in my thinking of work and worth in combination. Perhaps its some secret ingredient in the baby food, added by the government, for all the good German babies to follow in a manner to be proud of. While this is not the first time I am out of work or in transition, this is the first time I ever ever filed for unemployment and asked for support. While going through life there aren't so many first time experiences any more and as such I am taking this day as a memorable day in learning how to be just one of thousands in need of help of others.

Viva la Swine Flu

Of course I would never celebrate a world wide epidemic and most certainly share all the concerns there are around the recent Swine flu break out, but I would like to report some positive affects of the situation after coming back from Mexico. When traveling to a popular vacation destination like Cabo San Lucas in high season, one can expect a full airport with the usual Hawaiian shirt wearing people already drinking Margaritas in the airplane while getting in the mood for their trip or full hotels of the same kind, also you certainly expect having to fight for a beach chair and I heard some even get up at six in the morning only to put a towel down as a reservation indication before heading back to bed for more sleep (too funny), the clubs may be full with grinding up bumping dance scenarios. However when traveling during an outbreak of en epidemic what happens is that people panic or simply are super cautious and as such they stay away, which in this case I have to say turned out to be an advantage. I was upgraded on the airplane, had a whole seat row to myself for some peaceful sleep, was upgraded for only $10 to a 2 bedroom suite at the hotel as we were the only guests in the house, the front row beach chairs were all reserved for me, I had the pool to myself every day, the bar tender gladly mixed extra strong drinks in celebration for something to do and added a two for one offer, I walked for hours on the beach without seeing a single sole and altogether we just had Cabo all to ourselves. I felt bad for the locals loosing so much money right now on missing tourism and all conversations around this subject confirmed the situation was serious for all affected. The reason going to Mexico was for my old roommate Brad's wedding. The wedding events were extended to 5 days with tons of fun. A good solid San Francisco/DJ/Burning Man crowd as part of the wedding guests did secure a good party. The wedding was beautiful, perfect, perfectly planned and the best get away excuse I every had. I am grateful for having been invited and receiving the chance to enjoy some beach time before coming back to San Francisco and starting over. That's how it feels to me after being gone for so long. I regained my energy and am ready to start my job search and meet new people.
By the way - Why is it called swine flu and not pig flu? Anyone? It's not like swine is a commonly used English word.....

Books without borders

Hermann Hesse - Steppenwolf
Woahhhh - I can't believe I have been waiting soo long to read this book. It's a classic and I love it. I actually tried reading Hesse in German before and sadly it doesn't speak to me. Only in English I am allowed to get to know the fine skill of this oh so very German writer. A bit strange, I know. In German this old style form of writing sounds so foreign to me, many words I don't understand and the distant, complicated constellation of the sentences make me drift of rather than indulge into the era of then. And I love "then", the time of Bohemia with all its forbidden social gatherings, the costumes, the masks, the balls, all its sexual energy mixed in a fine cocktail, hidden under the corsage. I love the formality spent "then" to pursue an interest of some sorts. The English language translation is superb. I could not put the book down. It had me wrapped in the time, but also in its little wisdom aspects about love and live. There are several episodes that made me recognize why this writer was also able to write Siddhartha and how. Steppenwolf has many aspects of teaching us about samsaric live, none attachment, death and the realization of impermanence told from the perspective of this rather pessimistic or shall we say realistic dark character and his muse, his wisdom teacher, lover, seducer and temptation. Here are some of my favorite lines from the book:
"Ah, Harry, we have to stumble through so much dirt and humbug before we reach home. And we hae no one to guide us. Our only guide is our home-sickness.
"I had escaped time altogether, and went my way, with death at my elbow and death as my resolve. I had no objection to sentimentalities. I was glad and thankful to find a trace of anything like a feeling still remaining in my burnt-out heart."
"There is beauty in farewells and a gentleness in their very tone."
I would love to see Steppenwolf as a play. If anyone wants to take me out to see it, I am there.

Back in SF for one night only

Only one plane ride away - I am back in SF for one night only before taking of to Cabo San Lucas. My dear friend Leta picked me up from the airport and I am so grateful. Not only since I once again was completely over packed and struggled with my luggage, but more so for the moral support. Coming back from traveling for four months is as hard as leaving. My mom frequently asks me why I still want to live in San Francisco. My answer always is the same, letting her know that as long as there are butterflies in my stomach when driving into town from the airport, seeing the skyline, that is my sign that there is something here for me to come back to. But last night driving in there were no butterflies. Nothing was moving inside me driving into town, my old neighbourhood, entering my apartment. I had become estranged. Is this possible after only four months? Yes, it is. I felt it strongly, the town and myself as two strangers meeting. One of course has to consider that over the years I had more than just SF to return to, a job, a relationship, a car, an apartment, a class, a degree - all things that tight me here. In my current situation with all these ties cut the thing that is left is the town alone and as it stood so stiff, gray and huge in front of me last night coming in, I realized that I had to start all over again, befriending this giant and I was not excited about it, knowing that with everything new there was the old to let go of first, well everything except my old friends of course. Those I will be very excited to see again. I will need you all, I will need a hug, I will need a shoulder, I will need guidance around town like I had never been here before. I am not afraid to show and share that traveling has made me stronger and also more raw on the inside in many ways. Today I woke up thinking: What are you doing here? And thus far I have absolutely now idea. Please help me figuring it out. And in return I will gladly share my stories and offer myself newly as a good friend.

From India to the Austrian alps

Traveling in general is about contrasts. Some are smaller, some are large, as large as the Austrian alps. I ended my India trip in Delhi. I gladly returned back to Delhi after my trip to Kerala, although there, too, I had made good friends in the end and left on a positive note after a fun weekend. Coming back to Delhi so was like greeting an old friend. I have gotten to know the city well enough now to know my way around, pick favorite spots and restaurants and embrace all sides with the smells, the noise, the people and perhaps also a touch of Western luxury in form of a movie theater inside the air conditioned mall. I was excited to be back and spent my last day sight seeing, exploring Lodi park. The heat was overwhelming, sticky. Towards the evening I cruised around Saragini market to fetch the last of my presents for friends and family. I felt happiness inside my tummy to leave. I was analyzing if my feeling came from being done with India in general and came to the conclusion that my trip was simply ending and my excitement was simply about the next beginning. In conclusion I would like to say that I will be back to see my old friend Delhi some day and also to explore the North of India more next time. As Arnold would say: I'll be back.
Only 24 hours later I found myself in the greenest of green, staring up against a gray giant with white tips. I went to the Austria with my family for a weekend get together. We spent the weekend in a beautiful country home with a view like no other. The surroundings of the mountains is breathtaking, the trees are in full blossom, the grass stuffed with blooming wild flowers, the birds are wildly arguing and the cow bells sounding from far away on the grassy fields. This is anyone nature loving heaven, untouched and pure. Coming from dusty, gray, hot, polluted Delhi this is the spa treatment for my lungs and a complete visual contrast in front of my eyes. Can you imagine? We laid in the grass, played ball, cooked together and created harmony with each other in a way I did not know we were able to as a family. I took deep inhales with the realization of how fortunate we are in the West, how wealthy on nature resources, how very wealthy in our middle class rich lives, how very very lucky to be born here.